Ah, Rejection, it’s Not Any Better When it’s Medical

It’s been a frustrating few weeks. My brain fog has lifted and my mind is absolutely whirring at top speed. I can’t slow down for a second, not even to breathe, as I think of more things I need to do and more creative projects that are demanding my attention. I’m writing, I’m drawing, I’m platforming, I’m socializing, and life would be great if all this thinking didn’t knock me out every few hours. You see my body hasn’t matched the pace, in fact it’s still running on 3%. So as much as I can think I can’t do much of anything without completely depleting my resources. It’s a painfully aggravating predicament I find myself in as I am basically trapped in a shell of a body that refuses to move as I look around at everything in my environment I need to change – a little cleaning here, a little repair there, a building project here, and hey look something else shiny to grab my attention!

To make matters worse my “Aunt Flo” has packed her bags and gone on an unexpected vacation – when she’s returning, nobody knows! Even my period tracker sent me a notification telling me it was no longer going to bother trying to predict when she’d come back or when I ovulated or will ovulate. Rejection from a period app. That’s HARSH.

But I am doing as much as I can – I am pacing when I have the energy to get a little exercise in, I have rationed the remaining Halloween candy to appropriate daily doses, and have even started cooking for myself properly – making big vats of soup I can nurse for days. It’s one of my better Chronic Fatigue life hacks.

And hey, I just learned my neighbors are getting foreclosed upon. Normally this would be sad and not a cause of celebration but these neighbors have given me more stress than I need – not because I have to deal with them directly but because from sun up until sun down they are screaming at the top of their lungs to each other so loudly that even though they are inside their house and I am inside mine I can still hear every word clearly. I took a walk the other day during one of these fights and could literally hear them half way up the street. They’re contentious people who seem to have spent a lot of time trying to bait myself into their drama as well… I play music quietly in the back yard (from my PHONE so you know it’s not at ear piercing decibels) and they crank up a radio I never knew they had so loud I can no longer hear my phone. You know, petty bullshit, and I don’t bother responding. I do not have the energy for that. And even if I did I’d rather spend it elsewhere – somewhere more productive and meaningful. So yeah, I’m a little giddy they’re basically being evicted. Maybe I can get a little peace and quiet back. I just hope and pray they’re replaced by someone great. Or at least non-combative. Hearing screaming matches go on for hours every day has frayed my nerves. Such intense drama literally makes me sick.

And as the seasons change from moderate to colder than a witch’s tit I am once again contemplating if I want to keep the outdoor rabbits or home them before real winter hits. They need better hutches which I need to build yesterday. At this point it’s become a pain to deal with this dilemma but at the same time they’re the last link I had to my previous life on the farm and I like going outside every day. Even if it is just for a few minutes the cold seems to wake up my immune system. It’s refreshing and the crisp air is probably the best thing I could fill my lungs with. Decisions decisions.

I’m also waiting for my last battery of medical tests to come in. The only ones I have received confirmation from were my food allergy tests and much to my chagrin I’m not allergic to a damn thing – not even the things I know I haven’t been able to eat since having my gall bladder spooned out – mainly apples, tuna, and steak. Apples make my stomach hurt as soon as I swallow them, tuna makes the insides of my ears itch intensely, and steak is what I got caught in my throat that night I had to go to the ER because I couldn’t swallow or puke it back up. The doctors there said I probably was allergic to beef so I never ate it again and now this test says everything is A-OK.

I don’t know what the hormone panel is going to say considering my current situation with the missing period. I can imagine that’d probably fuck up the test when the crimson tide has gone absolutely AWOL.

And then there’s the lyme test and whatever else he had written on there… I am trying to maintain hope but this is starting to feel like every other specialist I’ve been to – so many tests, none of them saying anything is wrong. It’s been so many years I don’t even care if they find something that’s utterly untreatable. I just want something I can point to and say it’s not in my goddamn head.

It seems this is the perfect month for a distraction – something to keep my mind off the sad possibility of not finding the answers I seek. And I don’t mean the little and silly distractions like how my FaceBook ads are for some weird reason trying to sell me leather kilts and athletic cups for motorcyclists. I can appreciate the gender fuckery there and the idea I have a MUCH more interesting life than I do but I need a distraction that lasts for longer than a short giggle.

And so that’s how I ended up joining the festivities of NaNoWriMo (Natonal Novel Writing Month) except my goal is a lot simpler than dogging out a whole novel – I’m just making sure I write something, anything, every day. I’m three days in and finished a short story, the writing for a children’s book I am now left to illustrate, and these blog entries. NOT BAD! This is something I can do with my mind without having to really move much. It’s been a blessing. This little challenge has let me know that in some small way I can still be productive – can still do something of value – can still work towards a better future.

**Photos and illustrations in this entry have been created by myself Theophanes Avery with the exception of the two lovely depictions of angry lady bits. Please, if you know who these belong to let me know! I’d love to credit them!