Sometimes it’s really simple little conversations that can make my head whirl. Recently I had a very good migraine-free visit with my beau and it was the first in many months. Generally the stress of going to visit him during this Covid garbage fire stresses my body out so much I get three days worth of migraines every time I see him. But I have been managing…. and I know I would be doing worse without my once-a-week visits.
“You seem to be doing better lately.” He smiled.
“What makes you say that?”
“It seems like every time you visit you’re out of commission for a week.”
I got a little quiet, said something about that’s what winter is always like for me, but really I was a little deflated by what was a completely innocent observation. I’ve worked very hard to give the illusion of being healthy and functional and my current squeeze is the first person in many years I have even admitted to having a bad day to. It’s been a big deal to me to take down that emotional wall. And I guess an even bigger deal to see myself trying so hard and failing.
The next visit the routine went back to normal. I ended up driving home with a migraine and this time it was he who seemed deflated. I think he’s hoping if he can take care of me well enough I’ll feel better and have incentive to move in with him but… that’s just not going to happen… I tell him as much but I think he still hopes. As usual our relationship is… precarious. I don’t know what he gets out of having to dote on fussy little me one day a week but it must be something as it’s almost been a year. It’s taken me a lot personal growth to be able to even allow myself to be in such a situation and now that I am here it’s a constant struggle to see how long I can maintain it. And if the stress of my tyrannical body kills this relationship outright no one will be to blame.
And that’s an even harder pill to swallow. I always believed relationships ended when the individuals involved fell out of love, or did something stupid, or were horribly mismatched but this… this is something no one can control and something that will follow me into whatever relationship I will find myself in in life. When I was younger I always figured this just meant I’d live and die single – which isn’t all bad – certainly some people chose that life even without health issues. But now I do have someone to care about I don’t really want to give it up – even if it does cause me great physical pain to keep the few little crumbs tumbling my way.
Life can be exhausting sometimes. For now I wait patiently until I’ll be eligible for vaccination – which current estimates say will be June or possibly later. SIGH. Then I guess I get to see if it was purely that which is setting off my body or something else. Fun fun!