So it’s been a rough few weeks. About two months ago I started taking baby doses of “binder” to get the mold out of my system that the good doc seems to think is messing me up. And I am starting to feel more myself. My mind is clearer, I have more energy, my mood is better…. I just wish I knew if this was because of the binder or if it’s just yet another random upswing OR it could be the result of me putting a more concerted effort into cooking real food for myself and “exercising” (moving) more. And in addition to this the expanding hours of daylight have been giving me a much needed mood boost.
Here’s where my problems lie right now. First the binder was obviously invented by some sadistic bastard because it’s creamsicle flavored. It’s a powder that needs to be mixed with at least six ounces of fluid and it is VILE. It does not taste like a creamsicle. It tastes like poison and every muscle in my esophagus tries to immediately to puke it back up every time I try to take a swallow. I have learned that I need to hold my nose, chug it, keep holding my breath as long as I can, expel aforementioned breath to the still lingering flavor of poison, and then wash the aftertaste down with something very strong in it’s own flavor. And a few minutes after this I get to sit back and feel the effects – mainly achy limbs and the same malaise you get with fever. Sometimes the cure is just as bad as the thing it’s treating.
I do not know how long I will be doing this because I am TRYING to get to all the mold here but a lack of time, energy, and money is making it difficult. In the interim I have bought a mold respirator and am now walking around the house like the “Are you my mummy?” boy in Doctor Who. Is it working? I have no idea. But I’m not stopping.
Meanwhile, as I continue to clean I am trying really hard to get the rest of my life together. I had been previously only to leave the house to do one small chore (usually grocery shopping) once every two to three weeks. I am trying to work up the stamina and muscle to go out every few days for longer bouts of time because I want to resume travelling, socializing, and living a somewhat normal life. The first few times I attempted this I came back in a poor shape. Very poor. I hurt SO BAD the day after I was useless and in addition to this I came down with some sort of bug (no, not the corona virus) and this has thrown me completely off my schedule. Now it’s more just being sore, every muscle in my body screaming like I have just completed a triathlon even though all I did was drive for a couple hours. I am pushing through it because I am desperate not to let this yea be a total fucking waste like last year. And because I know in order to et on with my life and be healthy in other aspects I just have to make this work. I can’t just sit here waiting for something or someone to rescue me. That will never work! And so I continue to try to write a book a month, get back together with friends, and get my life in enough order to do something with it.