At the behest of my new doctor I have plugged my ovaries into the web – to track their wanderin’ ways and to tell once and for all how hormonally fucked I am. I’m told other fertile ovary-bearers find knowing when their next period is to be super helpful information to have on hand. I wouldn’t know because mine skipped fifth grade “health” class when all the other potential future female breeders were herded into a room and made to watch a video about the miracle of life or some such. I assume it’s at this point we all learned periods are monthly. If my ovaries are aware of this fact they’re spiteful little shits because they give me my period at random – sort of like totally unwanted gifts… from a stalker… wielding a baseball bat aimed at my innards…
For most of my reproductive life I have been on The Pill which is a sort of chemical tether forcing my body to behave – only it didn’t really work. It made me get my periods once a month but all the other psychotic symptoms still followed me around like intestine-chewing gremlins. So when I found myself alone, without a single soul to fuck, I threw them in the trash. With no threat of pregnancy I just couldn’t see why I was bothering.
Now I’m at this new specialist trying to figure out what I thought were unrelated issues and he’s claiming my hormones are to blame for a lot. He suggested I at the very least track my periods, something I have no desire or want to do but here goes nothing…
I have friends who utilize period tracking apps. They think they’re the bee’s knees…. I, on the other hand, think they’re creepy. The first period tracking apps were actually invented by men for men. I know what you’re thinking, “Men have periods?! DUDE! I MISSED THAT MEMO!” No, these apps weren’t for any noble cause, they were to allow men with multiple female lovers to track their partner’s periods and avoid getting nailed to the wall with a baby while raw doggin’ eight other side pieces. If you’re either cursing or retching right now good for you! You are a decent human being!
Current period tracker apps are better. It took a few years but some women got together and decided what the fuck, let’s all be blood buddies. I Googled which one of these to chose from and for my particular needs I decided upon Clue.
Now Clue is a lovely app. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. I just hate it because I’m an irrational creature. The first thing it asked me was if I’d like to sync it with FaceBook. Think about that for a moment. Would I like FaceBook to know when I was on the rag? Or perhaps I could befriend family members with the same cycle. AWE! No, for fuck’s sake, WHY WOULD I WANT THIS? This is right up there with, “Would you like FaceBook to bank this vial of your DNA?”
After bypassing that and being the anarchy loving user I am I dove right in. I thought I’d be greeted with a screen asking if I was bleeding and recording it on a calendar. What I actually found was a shit-ton of other options to track. Cramps? Got you covered. PMS? Sign here. “Bad hair”? You’re not the only one. Well OK… I mean… I guess tracking migraines and whatever might be useful to see if there’s a fucking pattern (surprise surprise – when you’re me patterns are for the weak!)
And although I was weirded out I kept going, did a whole cycle, which was completely normal. And then that fucker started sending me notifications.
DING! You are entering your fertile cycle! Uhm, that seems kind of personal but thanks? I guess? I’ll try not to bang anyone on my way home.
DING! You are about to have your next period! ERG, why am I suddenly getting pissed? I want to chuck the phone at the wall for relaying this information even though I was expecting it.
DING! Your period appears to be late. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. You already know I am not pregnant because for some fucking reason you’re also tracking my deliriously unspectacular sex life which charmingly records potency of libido, I guess to gauge how close I am to the edge. Obviously there’s a category to archive booty calls and types of contraception. Hilariously there are no contraception options reading, “pussy” which I think is offensive to all the lesbians, bisexuals, and pansexuals out there, amirite? Cuz ain’t no one have less babies than lesbians who don’t want em’.
DING! We’ve just released a new podcast on irregular menstruation! OH MY GOD. FUCK RIGHT THE HELL OFF. Suddenly my phone is my overly nosy know-it-all gynecologist bestie. Fuck you and your fucking podcast!
I turned the Clue notifications off. It’s like having an adult Elf on the Shelf except pervy and it doesn’t give you any gifts. SIGH. I don’t even know why it ticks me off so badly. I accept I have guts capable of occasionally growing parasitic human life. I accept this comes with “monthly” (GIANT air quotes) bleeding. I also accept technology these days are data whores that suck up every personal detail of your life. And I accept that this can be useful to me, the user. So why am I a having a hard time not swearing about it? I think Clue may have given me PMS. That has to be it.
Now here’s a calming nature-y photo I took so we can all sigh and relax.
