Well yesterday I was feeling full of piss and vinegar! I had made plans to go out for my first little road trip of the season for Catching Marbles but I couldn’t sleep the night before and woke up hung over from lack of proper Z’s. Ended up sleeping until noon, which I really try not to do.
From there I decided to stay home since it was supposed to start raining in the afternoon. Still, my mind was on fire and I had an enormous burst of energy so I got up and started plowing through chores which have been piling up for a while. I did 15 Duolingo lessons, did four loads of laundry, washed two weeks worth of dishes by hand, cooked myself a hot meal from scratch, and just tried to make order of my life again. Of course this meant taking a lot of breaks so I decided to read a book while I was down. 269 pages later I finished in a day. It is SO NICE to have my focus back! By now six hours had passed and I was on top of the world having accomplished so much. I was looking at everything else that needed to be done when my stomach at random decided, no, you have to go sit down. So I did. I sat, read the end of my book, but the feeling kept getting worse until the pain was too much to handle. I laid down exhausted. Slept on and off from there on out, waking up to the familiar feeling of stabbing chest pains. That would be from the Anxiety Fairy skewering my torso with a hot poker. It’s odd, it seems the more I accomplish in a day the more anxious I feel that I haven’t done enough. How am I ever going to get to a stable point in my life if I am not constantly on the move?? It’s a question that has plagued me since I started having health problems in my teens.
Today was another nice day. I should be outside planting the seedlings I have grown on my counter, traveling, or cleaning up the yard, but yesterday made me a little afraid to push it. What if I had gone out as I planned? Would I have been stranded, an hour and a half from home, pulled over on the side of the road trying to sleep off the ebb and flow of pain? I mean I have found myself in that position before but it’s been a while and I guess I have lost a little nerve. But I can’t afford to lose my determination..
And then last night as I slept my brain was on overdrive. I woke up with the inspiration for five different blog entries including one VERY long article I hope to get up soon on what it was like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s been 3.5 years since that relationship ended but for some reason it still haunts me. My views have changed drastically since then and I realize just how fucked up and emotionally abusive it was. Maybe this is all part of taking back the power or giving myself closure. I don’t know.
I still worry that if I keep insisting on being single it’s going to bite me on the ass someday but I still can’t swallow the idea of ever being financially at the mercy of another romantic partner ever again. And so I fuck around on Twitter and Facebook trying to get people to come to my blogs and maybe buy my book. It’s starting to give just the foggiest hint it may be working but this is going to be a war not a battle. I am in it for the long haul.
**All photos I took at Mount Hope Cemetery in Barre Vermont some time ago. Cemeteries remain peaceful places to walk, reflect on life, and enjoy the art of beautiful monuments.