Once upon a time I had the great misfortune of having a roving eight year old Christian child show up uninvited into my living space and refuse to get the hint to leave. This would happen every weekend because apparently allowing an eight year old to wander like a stray dog and  bug random neighbors for food is A-OK to certain families.

Sadly this isn’t the first time I have had the issue of waking up with children that weren’t mine. Being a great believer in science I was always of the opinion that, “kids just happen” was one of the stupidest statements on the planet. I mean I don’t know of any woman who just woke up one day with a baby budding out of her arm, screaming, “I have NO IDEA what happened! This clone of me just appeared out of nowhere!” I’m not saying it can’t happen because you never know, add the appropriate comic book styled nuclear meltdown and anything could happen, but I think for the most part children are the result of fucking. I’m not alone in this observation… and maybe it’s because of my insistence to believe in that I kept getting other people’s kids dumped on me, for years. It was like there was a big blinking sign over my head reading, “Knows how to use birth control, please punish me for my worldliness.” I’ve already written about this when recounting the ten year old that stole the car.  Believe it or not this was a different child from a different family and was so much worse.

This child was born into an intensely Christian family by two suitably teenage parents. By the time she was bugging me her mother had ran the fuck away and her freakishly misogynistic grandmother was taking care of her on the weekends. She was a child starved for attention, something she best illustrated with her shrieking 500 decibel voice which she’d marinade me with non-stop whenever she could find me. She had no inside voice and as much as I felt bad for her there was only so much Christmas songs (in fucking July) and evangelical propaganda I can handle coming out of the mouths of babes. The way she spoke of Jesus made him sound like some flesh and blood creepy dude that escorted her wherever she went. It freaked me out.

And so I would try to gently discourage her from bothering me. I’d pretend I’d fallen into a coma every weekend, I’d make a note not to be home, I’d send her home with things no eight year should have – like thirty pounds of sticky candy and an orchestra of noise makers. Nothing seemed to work so eventually I decided to work on her grandmother’s deep seated belief in all that is holy… and chaste. This woman had a Madonna Whore complex that could have made the Madonna cry. She had spent years telling me how to slut it up (wear make-up, tight jeans, SMILE!) and when she realized I had a man she started to spew bile. She was the most anti-sex person I have ever met and took out all her hostility and rage on other women. She was also homeschooling this poor child… so I figured I’d just blare sexually explicit or otherwise wildly inappropriate music hoping she’d take a tune or so home and sing her new vocabulary cheerfully to her grandmother who might get the hint to keep her away.

I started simply with the old music I grew up with. Hair’s score Sodomy seemed a great place to start. With an upbeat musical styling that might appeal to a child it espoused a whole string of age inappropriate words. And the title was absolutely Biblical so I took this as a sign from God. Plus being so short the message was super simple..

“Sodomy Fellatio Cunnilingus Pederasty

Father, why do these words sound so nasty?

Masturbation can be fun

Join the holy orgy

Kama Sutra Everyone!”

This didn’t work. It just wasn’t catchy enough. I needed something with carnival flare. I found it in Formidable Marinade. This song was just a joy, insanely upbeat, deliriously sarcastic, and all about good old fashioned sister-fucking. I couldn’t ask for more! Plus this was one is great fun to sing along to – as enthusiastically as possible until the men in white coats drag you away. Just look at the chorus:

“Sodomy is not just for animals
Human flesh is not just for cannibals
I’ll feast on your body if you’ll feast on mine
Blood is thicker and redder than wine!!”

I don’t know if the lyrics ever caught on to who it was intended but by now the neighbors could hear me blaring this every weekend and I figured in for a penny, in for a pound! I moved on to another incestuous ditty… one that starts off with the line, “Little sister, I don’t know if you should look at me that way…” Seems like a good start to a story, no?

I got the occasional dirty look but this did not seem to be working. Maybe because the Bible says surprisingly little against sister-fucking… if anything it seemed to endorse it. Adam and Eve’s children populated the whole earth…. with who? *inaudible mumbling*

Maybe I could take a little break from the sexual taboos and just focus on how great drugs are. One Toke Over the Line seemed cheerful enough! And the version from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas had a delightful Hunter S Thomson quotation at the beginning… which is super child friendly.

I played a plentiful assortment of joyful drugged out tunes but to no avail, the kid kept coming over. Maybe I should go back to the sex thing… I found a song that was shinier than anything I had ever heard – She’s Got a Girlfriend Now. This song wasn’t just bubbly it was about a guy whose girlfriend leaves him… to be with another chick. Peeeerfect. If incest can’t rock the boat than maybe a bit of joyful lesbianism can.

Still…. nothing. So I  had to call in the big guns – Jesus himself. If sex and drugs couldn’t offend the old coot surely blasphemy was the answer. Imagine my unbridled joy when I found out the soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch had something I lovingly ended up nicknaming the Nail Me Jesus Song. This song had everything! Sexual tension, homo-eroticism, and Jesus!

Maybe the above Jesus ditty was a little too enthusiastic. Maybe this kid would do better with slow, quiet, and fucking creepy. So I found the perfect tune… recited in a sort of growling whisper by what sounds to be a total psychopath….

“I met someone like Jesus in the spring of ’98
He was so full of love and I was so full of hate
So I nailed him on a cross where he belonged
Told myself it’s what he would have wanted all along” (It actually gets worse as it goes…)

This seemed to work… not because she learned how to sing it but I think more because the general sound of it freaked her out at some primal level. She wouldn’t be the only one. This is a well known band but there’s only five comments on this particular song, probably because even die hard fans are backing away slowly. “He’s finally snapped. Move real slow!” Anyway my little annoyance disappeared… for a while… which is more than I could have hoped for… So I will end this article here with some bonus bubbly blasphemy to wash the creepiness out of your ears from the last one… Come on everyone! BOUNCE!