You Don’t Know Jack – Theophanes Avery

Three more hours with my tedious tutor and I can go back to sweet glorious freedom…. or at least that’s how I pretend it works. In reality I will go back to my chambers in the castle where my stepsisters will resume their daily torment of me. They’re jealous of my fancy education and the fact I am slated to be king someday whereas the best they can hope for is to perhaps be sold as political brood mares to some vaguely aristocratic gent they’ve never met. They feel being the older siblings they should have the crown, but you know how these things go – we live in a patriarchal society. A king’s stepdaughters aren’t anything to the throne! And so, in the guise of teaching me “responsibility,” they force me to do the worst chores in the kingdom. I’m delighted on the days they just give me the dishes to do, which is always after a feast when there are more dishes than people in the country, but you know, that still beats Royal Dog Poo Scooper, or that one time they had me shimmy up the chimney with a big old brush. I nearly got stuck. OK, I did get stuck. I don’t know how Santa does it. I couldn’t have been more than 65 pounds soaking wet at the time! And even so I still got wedged in there good. I had to have a whole team of masons take me out of there brick by brick!

               My name is Jack, but my stepsisters call me Cinderella. It’s their way to take a jab at my masculinity. Or perhaps they think if they call me a girl name enough, I’ll become one and they won’t have to hate me so much. Who knows? And you know what the sad thing is? I don’t want the kingdom, or power, or responsibility. That sounds soul crushing. I want to be out into the countryside and learn about mushrooms, bugs, and witch’s brews! I want to make art, play the lute, and sing. I want to roll around in the dirt and get MUDDY! I want to enjoy life not rule people.

               Still being the only boy in the family my father has all his hopes pinned on me. I have all my hopes pinned on my stepmother’s rapidly aging ovaries. Surely, she can squeeze out one more boy, no? At least then when I have worked out how to fake my own death the kingdom will still be secure in my future little brother’s reliable hands.

               “JACK!”

               “ WHAT?!”

               “What did I just say?”

               “I don’t know.” I kicked my feet under the desk. My tutor is always so insistent I pay attention and blah blah blah.

               “Where have you been all afternoon because it hasn’t been here! Come on, these lessons are important. You need to know about how all your ancestors ruled so you don’t repeat their mistakes.”

               “So, you just want me to go blundering into my own unique mistakes?”

               “No, I want you to rule well. We all do.”

               “My sisters don’t.”

               “Is that what this is all about? You’re getting old now, becoming your own person. It’s time you start standing up for yourself.”

               “Easy for you to say. The last time I stood up for myself I woke up with a bevy of cold slithering snakes in my bed.” 

               “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them!”

               “One of them peed on my socks! They stunk for days! And another BIT MY NOSE. I didn’t even have time to wake up! It was just sweet sleepy unconsciousness and then BAMN! SNAKE ON MY NOSE.”

               “So put some snakes in their beds! They’re just petty teenage girls. They’re not that hard to handle.”

               I frowned. No one understands the position I’m in. My stepsisters are allowed to be as cruel as they want, short of killing me, because my father wants to keep his wife happy and nothing keeps her happier than letting her tyrannical daughters loose to do whatever they please. And it’s not like I can do anything about it. They’ve been doing this since I was born. Sometimes they even pretend to be nice and I get my hopes up but then their niceness turns out just to be a guise to put me in another godawful predicament. And although they’re not supposed to kill me, they sure make it seem like they’re still trying!

               When I was ten they convinced me to steal a dragon’s egg from it’s mother’s nest. When I came back alive and untoasted, dragging in my satchel an actual dragon egg, they just about died of shock. And when the egg hatched a few days later I had the coolest pet ever. It toddled around behind me wherever I went smelling up the room with adorably squeaky sulfuric burps. Me and Sparky. We were the best of buds. He didn’t see me as a future king. There was no bowing and formalities. There was just a boy, his dragon, and a vaguely legal pile of fire-tinged sheep jerky. But Sparky grew too big to stay in my room and eventually I had to let him outside. He still lives out there, flying about, terrorizing more sheep. Sometimes I can secretly make my way to the roof to call him. He lets me ride on him as we fly away from this castle, away from my life here. We have a few secret places we like to go just to spend warm summer afternoons. I give him marshmallows and tell him about my day.

               Today he’s flown me to a sweet little spot on the riverbanks. He knows I like to swoosh my feet in the cold water. It soothes the aches and pains I have in them. You see future kings are supposed to be perfect in every way so when I was born with club feet it was to remain a deep and dark secret. So, every day I wear these horrible tight shoes with latches and buckles that make my feet look normal but kill them in the process. They pinch, they rub, they burn. And I have to wear them every hour of the day ‘least someone figures out I am not physically perfect. Sparky doesn’t care my feet are misshapen and out here there isn’t a soul in sight. I am free to splash about as I please and the cold water sure feels good!

               I’m really not supposed to be out here though. Princes aren’t really supposed to leave the castle. Not unless they’re on official business but this could be official business… couldn’t it? I could be having an important meeting here!

               And alas, I’ve been discovered, as I hear a great clomping and clattering through the bushes. It’s Fairy, my godparent, otherwise known as our castle’s most respected eunuch. He’s my father’s most trusted advisor and in the event of his death, should he die before I’m of age, Fairy is to make sure I do right by the crown. He’s great. Always there when I need him… and when I don’t. Like today.

               “There you are!”

               “I wasn’t doing anything bad… can’t you just leave me out here for a while?”

               “You know that’s not how things work. I have to know that you’re OK. That’s not always a guarantee when you fly away on a giant lizard!” Fairy never much liked the idea of me keeping a dragon. He told me he had an aunt eaten by one once, but Sparky is different. He only eats sheep.

               “I’m OK. I’m always OK.” It’s a lie.

               “I know you need your space, everyone does from time to time, but why can’t it still be in the castle? Why do you have to run way out here into peasant country?”

               “It’s peaceful here. And my sisters can’t reach me.”

               “Ah, yes, your miserable sisters.”

               We sat in silence for a moment, sitting on the ground, me kicking my feet in the river, him trying not to muddy up his favorite brocade robe.

               “Well, I was also looking for you because I have something for you.”

               “What? Something else I have to do?”

               “No, I was talking to a most unusual cobbler about your feet – well, let’s say a certain friend’s feet.” His eyes twinkled as he reached into his leather bag. “And he came up with a neat idea about how to make a pair of shoes that are more comfortable for you.” He handed me the strangest shoes I’d ever seen.

               “These are glass…”

               “Yes! Made to perfectly fit your feet and no one else’s. They’re cold for relief and smooth so they won’t cause any future irritation. Go ahead, give them a try.”

               I slipped the strange shoes on. He was right. They were molded specifically to my oddly shaped feet. It wasn’t quite as nice as dipping them in the river, but it was pretty close! And they were darkly colored so no one could see through to the mortifying secret within them.

               “These are amazing!”

               “Now just be careful, they are glass, they can break. You don’t want to know what it took to make them.”

               “Oh, I’ll treat them well!”

               “Perhaps now you can outrun your sisters. You can even glue some felt to the bottom so they can’t hear you leaving.”

               “Oooo! I like that! And if I can run proper maybe they’ll stop calling me girl names.”

               “Oh, well, maybe, although I wouldn’t put my hopes in that. Of all the things they do to you why does that bother you?”

               “I don’t know. It just does.”

               “I understand. When I was your age my peers called me fairy because they thought I acted too much like a girl.”         

               “I thought that was your name… why would you keep a cruel nickname?”

               “Because words only have power when you give it to them. When I claimed Fairy as my own chosen title it no longer stung because it was mine. And besides, I do rather like being pretty… like a fairy.” We both laughed at the thought.

               “So does that mean I should ask everyone to call me Cinderella until it doesn’t bother me?”

               “Maybe. Or we could just keep calling you Jack and learn to ignore your sisters.”

               “Yeah… I’ll try.”

               Life was better after I started wearing my special glass shoes. I was known as the clumsy prince before because I often tripped and stumbled wherever I went but now I had perfect support and balance I could walk normally. It was a relief. And boy was it nice when I had to move quickly from place to place! I felt like a secret assassin, hiding behind curtains and trying not to laugh, no one the wiser.

               I got away with a lot in those few months and things in the castle were changing too. It seems as if my glass shoes were lucky because my biggest wish came true – a baby brother arrived and he had ten fingers, ten toes, and a little button nose. I know he’s just a little pink blob of mush at the moment, with a fuzzy head that smells oddly like an Easter ham, but I know someday we’re going to be the best of friends. I don’t feel so alone in the world. And I think everyone is noticing. My tutors continue to try and force me to focus on what they think is important, my father yells a lot about how I need to act more professional, and my sisters have been increasingly losing their power over my life as I find new and clever ways to elude them.

               In fact, I have been running away a lot these days. Sometimes I’m with Sparky, sometimes I’m by myself, but every time I inch closer and closer to the society I am told I’m supposed to rule someday. I’m told I can learn everything I need to know from the dusty old books that are brought to me and there is some merit to this. I know all sorts of things like how to do math, how to form tactical military strategies, and I can vomit up all my paternal ancestors from the past three hundred years and list all their contributions. But none of this tells me anything about life, how to live, how to be around people. I’ve been watching a little village for a few months. No one has noticed me yet. I am fascinated by the fact people there just walk up to one another and start talking, no reason, no purpose, about anything! The sky, the weather, the local gossip. And they have festivals from time to time that last long into the night. It looks joyously messy.

               But sooner or later Fairy always finds me. I think he may have been a bloodhound in a previous life.

               “Come now, back to the castle! We can’t have you out here in the bushes spying on people like a common peeping Tom!”

               “But I want to know more! If these are the people I am supposed to rule over some day shouldn’t I get to know them a bit? Shouldn’t I know what their life is like?  They seem so different from the stuffy types in the castle. Did you know that any one of them can approach and just start blathering about the weather? It’s the weirdest thing! It’s as if it’s important to them.”

               “The weather is important to a lot of them, these are farmers. They rely on the weather to bring the sun and the rain to raise their crops. But more often it’s just a way to say hello.” Fairy tried to explain these things as much as he could. He’d come from these peasant classes a long time ago and unlike the other aristocrats he still would weave in and out between the two realms. Castle and village, opulent and poor. And he was loved by all. It was as if by magic. I envied this ability.

               “But why are there always people outside in this square? Is this some sort of outdoor talking space?”

               “In a way. It’s the village center. It’s where people go to sell and buy their livestock and goods and also where they gather for fairs, festivals, and celebrations. It’s often where people get to know each other.

               “Oh, I wish I could go in there… and point out something obvious like the sky and make people smile like that.”

               “Well, maybe you should. You’re old enough to keep yourself out of trouble now. All you really need is a good disguise.”

               That afternoon Fairy found some peasant garb and a ratty old wig. He smudged my face with dirt and loaded me into the back of a wagon full of pumpkins. I was to say I was just a farm hand and nothing more.  Then I was given an hour to go see what I could see before coming back, getting rid of my costume, and going back to the castle to dish out what I had learned on my little field trip. I was determined not to disappoint either Fairy or myself.

               And that’s when I saw her. As I rode my little pumpkin cart by a farm on my way to the village there was a milkmaid out in the fields with her cows. She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen – one of the few girls I’d ever seen. She smiled as I approached, as if she knew me. I was tongue tied but somehow managed to ask what her name was.

               “They call me Charming.” She giggled.

               “That’s an odd name…” At least I think it was an odd name. I don’t know too many peasants.

               “It’s not my given name, it’s my nickname! They call me Charming because that is what people see in me – a smile that can light up any room – or so they tell me. And I’m charmed to meet you!”

               My face must have turned beat red. My heart fluttered. My tongue tied. She wasn’t charming, she was amazing. And I was paralyzed. What now?! My name, I should tell her my name…

               “I’m…Ja….” Oh no! I can’t tell her my real name! “I’m Cinderella.” UGH, WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?!

               Charming chuckled. “Well, it sounds like you have a unique name too!”

               “Yeah… I… Uhm…. my parents really wanted a girl…”

               “That’s odd. In these parts everyone wants a boy.”

               “Yes of course! But not when you already have thirteen sons.” What am I saying?!

               “Thirteen! WOW! That’s a big family!”

               “Yes. Yes, it is. I uh… I have to go now….” before I blurt out any more outrageous lies.

               For the next two weeks I continued taking little field trips into the village and on my way there I always passed Charming. We had a brief chat every time and she told me about her simple life with her cows. It seemed so peaceful, so lacking in all the drama seen in the ruling classes. Her life revolved around those cows and the milk they produced, nothing more. She was out rain or shine with them and she was so kind that I am sure they must have given her twice the milk as the other cows.

               And since she was sweet enough to show me so much of her life I knew I had to give her the tiniest sliver of mine, what I could afford to show her, my sweet little place of rest and recuperation next to the riverbank. However, without Sparky’s help it was a lot more than an hour’s walk so I had to take off the whole day, one glorious day together.

               We ate bread and cheese, laughed, splashed in the water, and told each other all the silly things that scare and amuse us. I never let on who I was but oh how I ached to! But I couldn’t be caught with a milkmaid! The horror. My family, the aristocracy, society in general, they’d never approve. I was destined to marry a princess, someone who I probably wouldn’t know beforehand. My mind whirled. It all seemed like complete madness. And it was about to come crashing down anyway.

               Fairy had sent off looking for me when my hour was up. When he finally showed up to drag me home, he brought Sparky with him. In fact, he was riding Sparky when they swooped down from the sky. Charming screamed at the sight of a dragon and I screamed too because Fairy wasn’t kidding around this time! He grabbed my clothes and hoisted me up onto Sparky’s back while I kicked and flailed. Just like that we were off, and in the sky again, leaving Charming and one of my glass shoes behind. I must have kicked it off while I was struggling.

               “What were you thinking?! You can’t just wander off at will! I was worried sick about you! I thought your cover was blown and you were being held hostage somewhere!”

               “I’m sorry.”

               “And the girl. You know you’re not allowed to mingle! You’re not to see her again.”

               “But!”

               “No buts! You’re in castle lock down until further notice. No more trips out, no more playing with Sparky.”

               I slinked back to my room, sadder than I have ever been.

Life was boring in the castle after that. I thought about Charming every day and wondered if there was some way I could get a message out to her. For all she knew I’d been kidnapped by a madman on a dragon. And I was back to clomping around in my uncomfortable buckled shoes. I’d lost everything – my freedom, my love, one of my lucky shoes. Nothing was going to ever be the same again. I no longer tried to get away from my horrible stepsisters. Their torment kept me busy enough to stop thinking about the crushing inevitability of my life as a king.

               I was still utterly morose when I was forced into my best finery for yet another ball. I was supposed to be the diplomatic one. The one that held the whole event together. I had to be seated at the head of the table nodding, listening, practicing being king-like. Really this was the first in a series of feasts which I knew would welcome me into my role as the people’s leader. I recoiled with dread at the idea that I may learn of my impending marriage at one of these things. I pushed my food around my plate, putting it in little piles and pretending I was eating it. I didn’t have an appetite. But then sometimes when we are at our lowest fate steps in and smiles upon us.

               Imagine my shock when I looked up to find Charming dressed in royal uniform tending the tables.

               “More drink, my prince?” She smiled and winked.

               My jaw must have hit the floor. I excused myself from the table quickly and motioned for her to follow.  Alone in the halls I yelled in a whisper, “What are you doing here?!”

               “I came to bring you back your shoe. It is your shoe, isn’t it?”

               “My shoe! YES, it’s my shoe!”    

               “I figured you’d be here. I thought you must be part of the ruling class, but I never dreamed you were a prince!”

               “HOW?! How did you figure that?!”

               “Well, who has the money to buy a glass shoe? Or is important enough to be kidnapped by a dragon master?”              

               “You were always so smart. All the education in the world couldn’t compare to your instincts.” I smiled. “So now you know my secret and why I disappeared.”

               “I do.”

               “Thank you for my shoe back.” I slipped it on. It fit like a glove. “They’re out there making plans about who to marry me off to.”

               “That’s really quite terrible but I understand. Now I know who you are I guess I just came here to say good-bye.”     

               “I don’t want to say good-bye! The two weeks I spent talking to you were the happiest of my life. Come on. It’s time things changed.” I grabbed her by the hand and led her back into the grand hall. When people saw this the whole room went quiet. I swallowed hard as I approached my seat at the head of the table.

               “Ladies and gentleman! I wish to introduce you to Charming, my beloved. She’s a milkmaid I met out in the pastures.” Gasps were heard all around, one woman fainted. “And I intend to marry her!”

               “JACK!!” My father barked. “STOP!”

               “No! I have made my choice!” I jumped on the table. “Hear me out! I am not and never was next in line to be your king! For behold my imperfect feet!” I lobbed off my glass shoes and showed the ghastly horror underneath. More gasps. More fainting. “But fear not! For you are still in good hands! For my sweet perfect baby brother shall be happy to take the thrown for me! I renounce any claims to it so I can be with my dear sweet Charming!” The room erupted into chaos. People shouting, people getting up, people grabbing at me and Charming. I didn’t know if either one of us would get out of there alive.

               My father was very angry with me and still isn’t talking and my evil stepsisters? Oh boy, their stony death glares seem to be a permanent fixture upon their faces. But Charming and I are happy, ever so happy, for it turns out there isn’t anything the public loves more than a good old-fashioned love story.

               I’m just a duke now, but I have a nice estate and Charming and myself want for nothing. In fact, you could say we’re living happily ever after.