{"id":852,"date":"2019-05-19T22:55:32","date_gmt":"2019-05-19T22:55:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theophanesavery.com\/the-boneless-chicken-blog\/?p=852"},"modified":"2019-05-23T01:22:15","modified_gmt":"2019-05-23T01:22:15","slug":"autopsy-of-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theophanesavery.com\/the-boneless-chicken-blog\/2019\/05\/19\/autopsy-of-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist\/","title":{"rendered":"Autopsy of a Relationship with a Narcissist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

With the current political climate there\u2019s been a lot of talk about narcissism, specifically Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Our society is beginning to realize that people with this particular affliction are really bad <\/em>to follow because they\u2019ll joyfully lead us to the cliff and watch us all jump off thinking that\u2019s actually the best thing in the world to do. But that makes them sound crazy, the sort of crazy that you\u2019d expect from an unmedicated homeless man screaming to himself in the streets. That sort of crazy is easy to identify and avoid if we wish to do so. What makes narcissism so toxic is the fact that these people cannot be immediately detected in fact they\u2019re likable. <\/em>Not just a little either, they really can lead whole swarms of people over a cliff because they\u2019re just that good <\/em>at manipulating people\u2019s emotions. How do I know? Because I wasted a good deal of my life romantically involved with one. So please, if your curiosity is intent, sit down and read my little tale \u2013 see for yourself how someone as intelligent as myself could have been sucked into the delusion so hard and maybe, just maybe, I can get you to understand what we\u2019re dealing with here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Identifying the Vulnerable<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Narcissists love people who have high empathy and low self-esteem. It\u2019s even better if they\u2019re in a vulnerable position in life \u2013 they\u2019re easier to manipulate that way and all that empathy can feed their ego like a spike in the veins. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \"\"
    Make a wish and blow…<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

    My story starts with me living my life long before I ever\nknew about him. I was living with chronic illness which had previously caused\nme to stop my education in ninth grade. My friends left me soon after and by\nthe time I finished up my teen years I was intensely isolated and didn\u2019t have\nmuch reason for living but I did have one good friend who I talked to every day\nonline. Her life was also a train wreck and we just clicked. For a while life\nwas OK. We were the closest of long distance friends. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But a few years into this unconventional friendship she\nstarted talking to me about a boy she\u2019d met online. He was kind of weird, didn\u2019t\nspeak great English, but she liked him. I didn\u2019t think much about it. I mean I\nwas always romantically cynical especially of online relationships (which were\nvery new at the time) but whatever makes her happy, you know? But then this boy\nstarted talking to me on private chat. Why? No idea, I thought maybe he was\njust trying to improve his English. So I was polite. I talked back a little bit\nbut thought little if nothing of him\u2026 until he started asking every girl he\nknew in the US to marry him. He asked my friend who by now had really fallen\nfor him. When she declined he asked me four\ntimes <\/em>to which I declined thinking he was surely some sort of nutter. He\nalso asked a few other girls I was aware of. I told my friend that I didn\u2019t\nthink his intentions were good and I think she should steer clear of him but\nshe really was into him so she eventually agreed to marry him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    • Triangulation<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

      Triangulation in the context of narcissistic abuse is the act of bringing another person or a group of people into the dynamic of a relationship or interaction to belittle the victim and make the victim \u201cvie\u201d for the attention of the narcissist<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \"\"
      I descended deep into the abyss one step at a time.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

      Of course when that happened guess who was invited to the\nwedding to be the witness? That would have been me. So I let them come pick me\nup and drive me many hours away to another state to perform my duties as a\nfriend. When I met him he seemed normal enough. He was friendly, healthy, sane\nby all appearances. I wasn\u2019t quite convinced but I wasn\u2019t going to not show up\neither. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Little was I to know that even before the wedding a long process of triangulation had begun. I wasn\u2019t aware of it and I don\u2019t honestly know how he achieved it but before I knew it my friend was feeling very self-conscious, like she was competing with me and I was the better person. Only I had no interest in her husband and told her this repeatedly and I wasn\u2019t lying. I was not there to steal him in any way shape or form. In fact that first trip down there I spent all my time actively avoiding him at all costs. I didn\u2019t even make eye contact. I just pretended he was a piece of furniture because I was there for her, not him. But things only got worse. She remained married to him for two and a half years and over that time he weaseled his way into my life as a \u201cfriend.\u201d All the meantime my bestie was getting increasingly crazy about this. I kept reassuring her that I had no romantic interest in him but then on my last trip to see her she finally snapped and accused me of sleeping with him which blew me out of the water. What?! I went home and spent the next few weeks in emotional torment unable to eat because in one fell swoop I lost the only friend I had to paranoia and I lost her husband\u2019s friendship as well because I was not going to keep talking to him, that\u2019d be tantamount to treason in my books, a severe violation of the Women\u2019s Code of Ethics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      • The Crazy Ex Girlfriend\/Boyfriend<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        Narcissists never speak well of their exes, in fact they\u2019re usually demonized and painted to be completely irrational and crazy \u2013 totally insufferable individuals that will make you feel sympathy for the narcissist while listening to their story.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \"\"
        There can be peace in solitude.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

        The next few months were an emotional hailstorm. My friend\nnever did start talking to me again which was intensely unfortunate because in\nher absence her husband was still trying to talk to me and he found my one\nweakness \u2013 my genuine concern for my friend. He weaponized this and would\ne-mail and call me constantly asking for advice on how to deal with her. He\nclaimed she was crazy, she wasn\u2019t allowing him to do anything by himself, she\neven had him working from home! I offered a listening ear, sometimes a\nsuggestion or two, but nothing ever worked and they broke up. She still wasn\u2019t\ntalking to me and I was FAR from OK with him starting to pursue me romantically\nbut that\u2019s what he did and it put me in a very bad position. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

        • Love-Bombing <\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

          When a narcissist wishes to win over a romantic prospect they indulge in love bombing \u2013 that is overwhelming their new interest with time, attention, flattery, gifts, and everything they could possibly ever want from a romantic partner.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \"\"
          Horseshoe bend was one of the gorgeous destinations I got to see on the trip.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

          Life for me hadn\u2019t changed in those years. I was still living a miserable existence and I still hadn\u2019t made any new friends which meant I was completely alone. As much as I HATED the situation I found myself in I couldn\u2019t help but feel a certain fondness to the only person still talking to me and he took that and ran with it. He told me how bad it felt to him to betray his wife like this, how he wasn\u2019t OK with it either, but by now he was e-mailing me five book length e-mails every day and calling me every few days. It was more attention than I had ever received from anyone and he seemed genuinely interested in everything I had to say \u2013 hobbies, books, movies, life experiences, everything<\/em>. By now I was twenty-five years old and had never had a boyfriend. I found it increasingly difficult to keep rejecting him. Over time he eroded my sense of what happened and substituted his own narrative. His now ex-wife and himself were never going to make it. They were a terrible match and as horrible as that was it shouldn\u2019t affect us being a better match, should it? He offered to take me on an epic road trip across the entirety of the US, a dream I\u2019d had since I was 16. He told me about how great life could be in an actual home by ourselves without having to live with my parents. He flooded me with gifts and affection and eventually I caved and we did visit all the Lower 48 States while he continued to tell me how special and amazing I was. It was a heady time. I was high as a fucking kite on all the attention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          • Disrespect & the Gradual Erosion of Self Esteem<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

            Narcissists aren\u2019t content just sucking in all the love and adoration of their partners they also have to feel better than them something they frequently do by starting a routine of breaking down their partner in an abusive cycle of disrespect, disregard, and blame. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            \"\"
            “Abandon all ye hope, all who enter here.” -Dante<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

            But in these early days there was still a few hints here and there that things just weren\u2019t always what they seemed. For one he seemed to be oversharing the intimate details of our relationship including when we were having trouble working around my virginity in the bedroom. He told a female friend of his, asked for her advice, as well as a random online forum. I was HORRIFIED. That was no one\u2019s business but my own and maybe my gynecologist’s. Besides being a huge breach of trust I felt this little slip up was also insanely disrespectful of me. When I tried to voice my concern it was far too late because I didn\u2019t figure this out until months after the fact and by now I was made to think I was just overreacting to long dead history. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

            He always seemed happy, never really got angry. He was sure to tell me this was because our relationship and communication skills were just so good there was no reason to fight. I felt so assured. Maybe perfect relationships did exist after all\u2026 but then there would be times he\u2019d say something weirdly disrespectful that seemed to come out of nowhere and be a complete slap in the face. Once while trying to find a game to purchase he said out of the blue, \u201cWe won\u2019t get this one. It\u2019s a game of strategy. I\u2019d beat you in three moves, maybe two, and that wouldn\u2019t be any fun.\u201d I know people often joke-spar with their partners but something about this statement didn\u2019t seem like a happy little joke it seemed cruel. <\/em>When I asked what he meant by that he just continued to stroke his own ego and tell me how badly he\u2019d beat me at this game neither one of us ever played because I was just so bad at strategy. I brushed it off. Maybe he was emotionally color blind and didn\u2019t realize he was hurting me. I went on with my day but over the years he was sure to casually mention how bad I was at a lot \u2013 cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, doing dishes, painting, putting up drywall, lugging heavy things, solving math equations, making money, making friends, taking care of myself. Some of these things had a grain of truth in them as I wasn\u2019t overly fond of domestic chores but I still did them, all of them, as he stayed away twelve or more hours a day at work. I brushed off these comments even as they started to throw me into a depression and make me want to not bother doing anything. <\/em>Why fucking bother if I\u2019m so bad at it? And if he\u2019s so great at everything why isn\u2019t he doing it?! I stopped cooking. I still did everything else but as quickly and poorly as possible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n