Welcome to The Single Life. To the left you’ll see all your friends talking to each other and plotting to send you on a blind date because they think you’ve been single too long. To the right you’ll see an overwhelming sea of terrible dating apps filled with serial killers and crazies. If you have the courage to go straight that leads right up to the top of Solice Mountain. It’s actually pretty nice up there despite a lot of people telling you to run from it. It’s got an amazing view of everyone else’s dysfunctional relationships and why you’re content to be on your own at this moment in time.
OK, so you’re probably guessing I’m single and not looking from that above paragraph and you’d be right. And maybe from my mention of serial killers you’ve also guessed I’m a woman. That’s two points for you! It’s not that I want to live and die alone it’s just… I believe in an older way of life, genuine human connections that grow over time. Speed dating is like Hell to me. WHY would anyone do that?! This isn’t to say I don’t find myself talking to other singles about the hardships of semi-willful solitary confinement. I do.
Just the other day I got asked this question: “So if you asked your date what their favorite book was, what answer would make you run screaming for the hills?” My answer was Catcher in the Rye… at best that dude’s a narcissistic fourteen year old in a man’s body. At worst he’s a serial killer. Other answers that came up were some obvious ones… Mein Kamf… you know, in case anyone out there is banging Nazis (please stop if you are.) Similarly Ann Rynd topped that list right above 50 Shades of Grey. “That is NOT proper BDSM! That’s a toxic abusive relationship!” say all my friends with a fetish for ropes and riding crops. (Also why are there so many of you? I’m not judging, I’m just curious.) Personally I’d say 50 Shades for the fact it’s a fanfic ripoff of Twilight. Talk about watering down the already insipid… Lolita was jumbled somewhere in that mess, “You know, for the guy that doesn’t realize it’s satire. EWE. No pedophiles!” Something screamed while beating a stranger with a broom.
My all time favorite part of this conversation was when a young genius pipped in, “I used to get free meals from any guy willing to tell me what socialism was all about.” Beautiful. You, my dear, deserve a prize.
That’s when things took a turn for the weird. A number of people put On the Road as their pick. “That guy’s never going to grow up.” I know it may sound like I’m a traitor to my sex but I actually love Beatnik literature… I KNOW it’s written by middle aged white guys trying to recapture their youths. I KNOW there’s a lot of misogyny. I KNOW that there’s a lot of questionable shit in there…. I’m sorry, I still love it. Does that make me undatable or just weird? I will say in my defense – I don’t read Beatnik literature because I idolize the people writing it or want to be like (or date) someone like that. I most certainly do not. Actually I think that’s why I keep reading them …. because they’re so fucking flawed. It’s beautiful.
I have tried to amend this. I only started reading things by female writers in my 30’s. I know, I’m a bad feminist. But I honestly believed all female authors were more or less shit. I got this idea from my schooling…. because every book I was forced to read by a woman was indeed shit. It colored my view of these things. But then a friend suggested I read The Liar’s Club and when I did I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. With tears running down my face I called another friend to read the most horrifyingly hilarious passages. I’d been won over. Now I try to expand my reading pallet to not just women but minorities. So far so good! Have I been redeemed yet?
Please chime in the comments — what book would make you run for the hills??