It was a gruesome process – I won’t lie. I chained myself to my computer and over the course of four months I wretched and heaved and finally completed a manuscript. It was like giving birth except that it took much longer and I was given far less encouragement. I mean when someone says they’re writing their first book their friends generally just give an exasperated sigh. And then there’s the sheer antisocial nature of locking yourself away in a dark room and forcing yourself to endure one grand look back over everything in your life. It was cathartic. It was therapeutic. It was terrifying.
After having written it I realized even the people closest to me had no idea
what was going on in my life. And here I am, like an idiot, totally fucking outing myself.
Bisexual? Check
Polyamorous? Check
Ambiguously gendered? Check
Experiencer of past life flash backs? Check
Wasted five years with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder when everyone thought my life was perfect? CHECK MATE.
WHAT AM I DOING?! I can’t let anyone read this!! And yet I did. I handed it to an editor, who also was a friend of mine. And then I waited patiently as she did her magic on it. This took five or six more months. By this time I had enough time to really think about it all and instead of feeling confident I just was horrified. There is no going back and yet…. how am I going to do this?! I know all my friends and family will pick it up expecting to read about my epic road trip across across the Lower 48 States, or descriptions of my idyllic and peaceful life as a chicken farmer when I got back, all things I did indeed go over in much detail but the rest? The inner turmoil and outer conflicts I never mentioned in my thirty plus years of existence?! I think I’d feel better about being paraded nude on national TV.
Still. I took a photo I had taken on Cadillac Mountain, applied a weird filter, and made a beautiful cover that encapsulated the feeling of the book perfectly. And then I uploaded the whole file to Amazon and ordered a proof. I thought I’d feel some great elation when I held it the first time but by now my nerves were shattered and I felt…. disconnected. I looked at it. I took in the cover. I flipped through the pages of my words and I felt nothing.
Still I carried on. It was important to me to publish it on the second year anniversary of my life falling apart – you know, to reclaim power. And I did! I published it on September 25 and the e-book version I uploaded on my birthday September 30th, although I must have waited past midnight because it reads October 1st. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.
I blasted it on all my social media accounts and now everyone knows. My book is published! It’s in the wild now, free and happy… whatever may come of I I don’t know… but it’s out there…. on Amazon ready to buy.